"Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and he shall lift you up."
James 4:10

Sometimes things happen in life that cause you to pause ... reflect ... and if you're wise enough, to change.  This post will be short.

God has a way of humbling us.  He has a way of bringing things to light that we can't see on our own.  My goal now ... to remember to humble myself before God.  And if He chooses, he'll lift me up.

That's all.  And I believe if you meditate on that verse, it may be all you need today.  Told you it would be short.  Good night and God bless you.

I'm pretty sure a depressed engineer invented the roller coaster.  Who else would understand the characteristics of something that goes up and down and flips and spins, all at a very high rate of speed?   This week has been a roller coaster week.  I've had some great things happen on the work/self-employment front.  I was invited to sing live on the radio in June by one of Michigan's country music stations.  That in itself would have put me in a state of ecstasy for weeks a few years ago.  However, all roller coaster's that go up must come down.  I found out this week what the possibilities are to take care of the lower back and leg pain I'm still having ... and none of them were good.  I didn't take that news very well.

There's a song called "Blessed Be Your Name" written by Matthew Redman ... I think.  Google it.  It's a song based on the twenty first verse in the first chapter of Job.  It's a pretty upbeat song that a lot of church congregations sing during weekend services.  I'll be singing it in a few hours at my own church for a small service.  The bridge repeats this line twice ...

"You give and take away"

Then it comes back in with ...

"My heart will choose to say, blessed by Your name."

Good things come.  Good things go.  More good things come.  And those good things go.  Good days come.  Good days go.  Good people come into your life.  Good people go out of your life.  Come.  Go.  Come.  Go.  Up's.  Down's.  Up's.  Down's.  That's life.  For some people the good days are more abundant than the bad days.  Some people get to experience a lot of great people who become part of their life.  Others don't.  Some people don't have anyone they can lean on.  Some people can't remember the last good day they had. 

The Lord gives.  The Lord takes away.  Blessed be the name of the Lord.

The Lord gives.  The Lord takes away.  Blessed be the name of the Lord.

The Lord gives.  The Lord takes away.  Blessed be the name of the Lord.

The Lord gives.  The Lord takes away.  Blessed be the name of the Lord.

The Lord gives.  The Lord takes away.  Blessed be the name of the Lord.

The Lord gives.  The Lord takes away.  Blessed be the name of the Lord.

The Lord gives.  The Lord takes away.  Blessed be the name of the Lord.

The Lord gives.  The Lord takes away.  Blessed be the name of the Lord.

So what does knowing this accomplish?  Job lost everything ... I mean everything and everyone that was dear to him.  What have I lost?  A job.  A measure of my health.  Basketball.  My 34" waist.  Job lost his family, his wealth, his livestock, ... he lost everything.  I'm still healthy enough to do a lot of things.  I still have my wife and my family.  I still have a few close friends who are there for me when I need them.  I guess I know a lot of people, and some might say I have a lot of friends, but I'm talking about the ones we call 'good friends' or 'best friends' ... people who are true ... and real ... who get you.  I have a house, and cars, and an awesome dog.  I'm self-employed with about a 5-6 month backlog of work, which in the consulting business is very good.  My guitars ... gosh, I can't leave them out.  God has been good to me.  He'll continue to be good to me ... and He'll continue to honor his word:

The Lord gives.  The Lord takes away.  Blessed be the name of the Lord.

"If you, LORD, kept a record of sins, 
Lord, who could stand?
But with you there is forgiveness, 
So that we can, with reverence, serve you."
Psalm 130:3-4, NIV

I believe the answer to the question is no one.  No one could stand with confidence in their future.  No one could stand and look themselves in the mirror.  No one could stand boldly in the presence of God.  Without God's forgiveness we're hopeless.  Period.

What would your record look like?  Would it fit on a Post-it Note, or would you (like me) need a few three or four drawer filing cabinets?  From the very first time I cried or whined selfishly as a child to get what I wanted, my sins were counted against me.  There's no way I could have kept track of them, but God did.  That in itself is quite miraculous.  However, it's not as miraculous as Him forgiving me off all I've done.  That's one of those things I have a hard time understanding, and certainly could never explain, but by faith I believe it.  To believe otherwise would lead me to feel that our existence here on this earth is meaningless, that we'd have no greater purpose than to just exist.

True life begins when we ask God to forgive us of our sins.  At that point we enter into a relationship with Him.  If we're diligent that relationship can become a friendship, and eventually, He will be our everything, or as the Bible puts it, he'll become our "all in all."  If our hearts are right, somewhere along this journey we realize that the greatest of all is the servant.  We learn that true joy comes from doing things for other people.  We learn that getting out of our comfort zone to help someone less fortunate than us is not only gratifying, but it keeps us grounded in our faith.  We realize that the most important people in life is anyone but the person in the mirror.

As we mature in this understanding, we hopefully reach the pinnacle of servitude ... reverently serving the One who created us.

Father help me to be humble.  Help me to never be afraid to approach you for forgiveness when I need to.  Help me to serve those around me, and to serve you.  Amen.

If yesterday was Good Friday, and tomorrow is Easter, then today must be ... In the Tomb Saturday!  Maybe it has a more holy sounding, theological name, but In the Tomb Saturday sounds cool to me.  For those who grew up thinking that Easter was all about a bunny, a company named Cadbury, jelly beans, plastic grass, cheap baskets and colored eggs, I'm here to set the record straight.  It will be in my usual down to earth way, but by the time I'm done, I think you'll have a better grasp on what this weekend is all about.

Good Friday recognizes the crucifixion of Jesus Christ, God's son ... the one sent to save the sinner from an eternity in hell.  You don't have to believe that now, but eventually you will.  Jesus Christ was a person and yet he was also God in the flesh.  He's not just some historical figure or a curse word.  He's my Savior, and he can be yours too.  He earned that once and for all when he was hung on a cross, with spikes driven through his palms and his feet to hold him up.  It was the most disgraceful form of execution at the time.

In the Tomb Saturday is just that.  Jesus was dead, buried in a borrowed tomb, where he 'rested' until his resurrection.  He was wrapped in linens, covered in spices and other things that smell nice, and laid to rest ... or at least that what people thought.  Instead he took a quick trip to hell, snatched the keys to the joint out of the hands of satan, and conquered sin, sickness, and death once and for all.

Now we reach Easter Sunday ... or what most Christians call Resurrection Day.  His work on the cross was finished.  His work in overcoming hell and all it had to offer (so to speak) was finished.  Now he had to shock the world and walk out of the tomb, and ascend to Heaven where he sits at the right hand of God, praying and interceding on our behalf to the Father.  The ultimate, eternal high priest.  The best and most loyal friend you could ever have.

Jesus came to earth, lived a sinless life, was crucified for all past, present and future sin, laid in the tomb for three days, was resurrected, and ascended to Heaven.  The end.  Well ... if you never believed that before, and decided to believe today while asking God to forgive you of your sins ... it's just the beginning.  Good night and God bless you.

The Great Physician:

Jesus referred to himself as physician twice:

Luke 4:23: And He said to them, “No doubt you will quote this proverb to Me, ‘Physician, heal yourself!”  

Matt. 9:12-13: But when He heard this, He said, “It is not those who are healthy who need a physician, but those who are sick. But go and learn what this means, I desire compassion, and not sacrifice, for I did not come to call the righteous but sinners.”

The word used for physician in Greek was iatros, derived from iaomai, which refers to spiritual as well as physical healing (similar to the concept of shalom or rapha). Jesus was undoubtedly using the word “physician” to refer both to the spiritual and physical aspects of healing that He commanded.

The above was copied from the following website:

http://www.urmccf.org/topics/Health%20Bible%20Study/C%20-%20Jesus.htm

I believe I'm in a place where I need a spiritual healing.  I've been struggling lately with my identity as it relates to Jesus, and his work on the cross, and why he would do that for someone like me.  I've been battling with the abstract concept of peace, and trying to figure it out.  I've been dealing with a void ... a void I can't really explain.  In the midst of all this I've had some ups and downs.  Some all too familiar pain is recurring in my lower back and legs.  After what I've gone through with lower back and leg pain and five surgeries, it's not something that I'm excited about.  Half of my band Fall Creek moved away which led to a pseudo break-up of the band.  I had started a second band before that happened to focus on some different music, but letting go of something that I built and nurtured for five years was not an easy thing.  However God has blessed me recently too.  I left my job to work for myself.  I've been contracted by two cities for some pretty cool projects that will hopefully be financially rewarding.  Speaking of financial rewards, at a follow-up visit to my surgeon today I was blessed beyond belief.  As I was checking out, a woman I had never seen before as the gal at the desk to get up from her computer for a minute.  She sat down, punched a few buttons, looked up at me and told me that my account balance was "zero'd out."  I walked in owing over $2500 from my surgery last May.  I walked out owing nothing.  That is such a weight off of my shoulders.  I told her if I could jump up and down I would, but instead "I think I'll just cry."

I've learned that blessings don't necessarily mean that the battle is over.  Things like that certainly boost our faith in God, which helps us get through the next battle ... and trust me ... there will be another battle, and another, and another.  I can't help but to think of the lyric of a song that I wrote about a few weeks back ...

This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be emptied again
The seed I've received I will sow

It used to be easy to get excited during the "harvest" times of life.  I treat them differently now.  I feel very blessed, but I try not to let temporary emotions or feelings of any kind control my day ... or days.  Notice I said I try ... and I do, but I'm not very good at it yet.  I'm getting better by the grace of God, but still have a long way to go.  It helps to know that I'm filled for a purpose ... so that I have something to give others.

Where I get tripped up is thinking that the "fill up" is supposed to come from people and not God.  The identity making, peace giving, void filling God.  Good night and God bless you.

What good is the past? Can thinking about your past affect the present? Can it change the future? Of course I use the word 'thinking' loosely. What I really meant was worrying, or comparing an old situation to a current one, or dwelling, or blaming yourself for something you said or did that no one else remembers. Obviously thinking was shorter to type, and more to the point.

I think back on the past a lot. I tend to dwell on things far too often and for far too long. It's almost as if I've got myself convinced that if I think hard and long enough, then I can remember all I've ever said and done wrong. Once that list is compiled I can then go person by person and ressurect all that "stuff", apologize for what I said or did, and then they'll like me more. Why can't I be the one who forgets? Why can't I be the less needy ... and the strong person?

I read a quote this week that stopped me dead in my tracks. It went something like "it's painful to realize there will be people in your life who need you less than than you need them." That one hurt ... it hurt because it hit home. I know that feeling all to well. I have friendships like that. I've had dating relationships like that. It seems I've always been the pursuer, and rarely if ever, have I been the one being pursured. I've had friendships and other relationships where I'm the proactive (needy) one, and the other person is the reactive
(less needy) one.

The minute you ask Christ into your heart one of the most miraculous things happens: your past sins and transgressions are erased. You're handed a clean slate and the keys to a new life. It's like life has an undo button, but only on God's keyboard. The greatest thing about that is that He will hit that button as often as we ask him to. So if the God of the universe loves us that much, to forgive us of all we've done or will ever do, why it it so hard to forgive ourselves? Why is it so hard to let some things go? I wish I knew, for my own sake.

My house is very quiet right now.  Cooper is sleeping on the floor in front of me.  I can hear the 'tick tock' of the table clock next to me.  It's been raining most of the day here in Michigan.  For anyone from here who no longer lives here, it's a typical gray sky day in the mitten state.

My day seemed busy today yet as I look back on it it's hard feel like I accomplished much.  Yet I actually did get some stuff done ... I landed a few small design/consulting projects today.  I bought the beads I need to make a piece that I was commissioned to make.  I attended a monthly meeting for a design committee I'm a member of.  I took Cooper for a long drive.  I completed some meaningful tasks today, yet as I sit here I have the most empty of feelings in my stomach.

I'm not sure where to go from here.  Tonight the city I interviewed with last week for the consulting contract votes on whether or not to hire me.  A majority 'yes' vote would be a good thing.  It would mean that I'd be back to working more, and doing more to support my family of two and one dog.  As great as that would be that still won't fill the void I feel.  I'm not sure what would.  Those who are reading this who are more mature in Christ than I am are saying "c'mon Joe, God is the one meant to fill that void in your life."  Really?  You think I don't know that?  My question back is "how's that working with you?"  Do you feel complete because you have a personal relationship with God, or do you have the guts to say out loud and publicly that you still feel something missing?

I'm not sure if God is listening right now, getting more and more upset with me with every word I type or if He's rejoicing in my openness and honesty?  You see, he's my audience of one ... the fact that you're reading this right now is a bonus.  I'm chasing God, not Mark or Linda or Rick or Hannah or Laura or Dave.  I'm chasing God.  To me this is real ... and it's a matter of life or death.  I'm either going to get it right or I'm going to get it wrong.  To my knowledge nobody has ever sort of gotten to Heaven.  No one can be sort of saved.  Jesus talked a few times about how lukewarm-ness made him sick.  I may not be diplomatic ... I'm certainly not the most educated or eloquent ... I probably get things wrong more than I get them right ... but one thing's for sure, I'm not going to be lukewarm and sort of in my relationship with God.  He's going to know exactly how I feel, and when I'm feeling it.  If Jacob can wrestle with him and David can whine to him, then so can I.

I just want to know if this is the way it's going to be.  Is life nothing more than a serious of challenges and emotions wrapped up one day at a time, with no shortage of people telling us (because it's supposed to make us feel better, and I'm sure it's how they approach their own life) that "it's not what happens to you but how you handle it that makes the difference"?

I have a wonderful, understanding, loving wife ... a mom and dad who love me ... brothers and sisters who love me ... friends who love me ... a dog who thinks I'm all that and a bag o' chips.  I've sang and ministered to 7 people and 7,000 people.  I've written songs that have touched people and made significant impacts in their lives.  As far as I know, if the story was accurate, I sang a song one night that convinced a girl not to commit suicide.  I've designed local and regionally famous projects.  I live in a home.  I eat three or more meals a day.  I drive a car that has a moon roof and built in bluetooth technology.  I have a balance in my checking, savings, and 401k accounts.  I have 16 coats and ten pair of shoes.  I have three guitars, six speakers, two power amplifiers, four mic stands, three guitar stands, six microphones, and more ... and a trailer to haul it all in.  I have a flat screen, a leather couch and chair worth 20 times what I paid for my first car, and a stainless steel fridge ... with food in it.  I have more baseball hats than one guy really needs, and certainly more t-shirts than one guy really needs.  My original band, Fall Creek, has around 670 fans on facebook, and on top of all this, on August 20, 1990 I asked Jesus to be my Lord and Savior, and I've walked with him ever since.

So what's missing?  What could I possibly need that I don't have?  God, what is this void all about?!?!  I don't get it and I'm tired of trying to!

I don't know ...

The Peace of God: Part III

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."
Philippians 4:6, New International Version

So ... everything.  Everything?  You mean like the other day when I was driving past the state capitol, and I heard a guest speaker being introduced at a political rally, and while circling the block I prayed for a parking space right in front, and when I got there, there was ONE open space?  You mean like that kind of "everything"?

If I took the time I could fill your computer screen ten times over with little 'everything' prayers that I've prayed that God has answered.  It's in the midst of those answers that God's peace resides.  But it's not just in the answer.  If we were only peaceful when God was answering our prayers ... that is, answering them the way we want them to be answered ... then we would be without peace far more than we would be with peace.  The peace begins with the prayer.  The prayer begins with trusting God, and his word.  Trusting him and what he said he would do begins with knowing him as our God.

Do you know what it's like to trust someone completely?  Do you have a friend or a family member or a spouse that you can tell anything to without fear of what they might think about you, or say back to you?  We should probably expect that from our wife or husband.  We might even expect it from our parents or siblings.  So lets think about a friend ... do you have a friend like that?  Is there someone in your life who knows you at your worst ... who has seen you at your worst ... and yet they still love you unconditionally?  Have you argued with them, and yelled at them in the heat of that argument?  Have you cried on their shoulder?  Have they cried on yours?  Have you gone to them when you knew you needed talk something through, knowing that they might respond with what you needed to hear, and not what you wanted to hear?  For me, the answer is yes ... to all of it.  Are you at peace with that kind of relationship?  Now picture that same kind of relationship ... that same kind of friendship with God.  Can you imagine being at total peace with Him as part of your life?  I think I can.

If we can get to that point, where we know God is our friend and our God, imagine how peaceful our life could be.  Knowing that he's always there to say and do the right thing ... to support us and to help us ... and to let us cry on His shoulder.  Imagine that if you can.  If you can't, don't give up trying.  God bless you and good night.

So I'm still trying to figure out God's peace.  I wrote about it a week or so ago, and told you that it would take more than one blog to dig into it.  Here's Part II.

The word "peace" is used 429 times in the King James Version of the Bible (according to wiki answers).  That's a lot of times.  I would have been impressed if it was used 100 times ... amazed if it was used 200 times ... but 429?  I guess that must mean it's an important concept to God.  If it's important to God then it should be important to us.  So why does it seem so elusive to me, and maybe to you?

I had an interview of sorts today.  As a design consultant I'm sometimes contacted by cities, counties, and townships to perform design/engineering services for them.  Last Wednesday I was contacted by a former client who's interested in hiring me to provide design services for the city he works for.  Calls like that don't come by too often, so obviously I was very excited.  Well ... I was excited until my mind started taking over. 

The first thing that crept in was the fact that I had to quit my 'job.'  I've been working part time at a local engineering firm since mid January.  That experience didn't quite work out the way I had hoped it would.  Instead of getting more hours over time I got less ... as in zero over the past three weeks.  Having to tell them that I'd be leaving was stressful ... not off the chart, but stressful nonetheless.  Then I had to write a proposal explaining what services I'd be providing for my potential client.  I've written no less than 100 proposals over the past 10 years, but it's still always a stressful exercise.  Then there was the actual interview.  I'm always fine once I'm there and the conversation starts, but the 90 minute drive there left a lot of time to think about all the "what if's" and "what abouts".  Regardless of how I felt driving there, the meeting couldn't have gone better.  I find out whether or not I get the contract next Wednesday.

So let me summarize the past few days: they called me ... I had to write a proposal (the key word being write ... something I love to do and am pretty good at) ... and I had to go talk with them to discuss the details of the proposal (key word being talk, something else I'm pretty good at).  So why the stress?  Why the lack of peace?  Here's one simple explanation:  the master of deceit and lies loves to knock us down any chance he gets.  He loves to use doubt as tool to cause us to ... well ... doubt ourselves.  Doubt breads worry ... worry leads to stressing out ... stressing out annihilates peace.  Hindsight always brings the answer to light: peace is brought about as a result of trusting God.  I either trust Him or I don't ... it's that simple.  If I trust Him, then I know that he has my back.  I want to believe that it's really that simple.  Well see if this requires a Part III.  God night and God bless.

"Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you."
Psalm 9:10

A few days ago I wrote about an upcoming experience that had the possibility of being life changing or day changing.  Turns out it was just day changing.  Maybe two or three days if you count the time I spent thinking, worrying, and stewing about it.  Tomorrow is another one of those days.

Back in early January I took a job with a local engineering firm.  Like most companies in the state of Michigan they were still struggling through the less than stellar economy when they hired me.  They told me in the interview that it would be a "part time as-needed" position.  It certainly was part time.  It sounds weird to even talk about a professional career position as part time.  It started as a 12 hour per week bit ... then it was cut to 8 ... then 2 ... then ... well ... guess you could say I wasn't that needed.  They got out of me what they could ... I called every past client I had and begged for work.  Nothing came of it ... other than me "going to the well" one more time with each of them than I really wanted to.  Yesterday we cordially parted ways.

Now I face tomorrow ... a day that could be life changing, or simply day changing.  All week I've been thinking about it.  I'm meeting with a prospective client who called me to see if I was interested in working with them.  I've worked with this gentleman before, so I have a pretty good feeling about my chances.  Throughout the week I haven't worried.  I haven't been stressing about it.  I've gone back to the same prayer I've prayed so many times over the past few months: God, please open and close the doors for me, because I'm just not sure what to do.

What I do know is God's name.  Well ... honestly right now I can't remember all of them, but I can remember this one: Jehovah Jireh (the God who provides).  Provides ... as in continually.  He's not the God who provided, or the God who considers providing now and then, or the God who's still trying to get the whole provision concept down pat.  He's a God who has never forsaken those who trust in Him ... our provider.

I've been seeking Him all week regarding tomorrow.  My life has always been, is, and will always be in His hands.  God bless you and good night.

 ⁵ For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; ⁶ and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; ⁷ and to godliness, mutual affection; and to mutual affection, love. ⁸ For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. ⁹ But whoever does not have them is nearsighted and blind, forgetting that they have been cleansed from their past sins.
 ¹⁰ Therefore, my brothers and sisters, make every effort to confirm your calling and election. For if you do these things, you will never stumble, ¹¹ and you will receive a rich welcome into the eternal kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
2 Peter 1:5-11, New International Version

For the sake of those who may not know how the Bible works, sometimes the name of the author of a particular book is also the name of the book, as is the case with 1 and 2 Peter.  Peter, one of the twelve disciples, is the author of those two books.  Now with Paul, that's not the case, otherwise we'd have  1-15 Paul ... or something like that.  Back to Peter ...

He's the disciple who tried to walk on water.  He had a few successful steps, then began to doubt, and subsequently started sinking.  Peter was the hothead of the group, frequently putting his foot in his mouth, or his sword across the ear of a Roman soldier.  He liked to boss Jesus around by telling him what he should or shouldn't do, which at one point led Jesus to compare Peter to satan.  Finally, when Jesus was being sent to the cross, Peter denied even knowing him ... not once or twice, but three times.  I guess you could say that Peter had some character flaws, and that on occasion, despite walking side by side with Jesus for three years, he even stumbled a few times.

Now this is the same Peter exhorting us to live godly, self-controlled, good and loving lives ... which leads me to my question: is it okay for us to talk the talk even if we're not quite walking the walk?  There have been times in church where I've been singing along with the worship leader and have had to stop because I didn't feel like I was living out the lyrics of the song.  There have been times I've been reading my Bible and had to close it because I didn't feel worthy to read about such a holy God.  There have been times I've been talking to someone about God, and what he's done in my life, only to walk away and feel unworthy of all He's done.

Paul goes on to tell us to "make every effort" to do these things.  Making every effort doesn't sound very absolute.  To me that sounds like a "do your best", or a "give it all you've got."  Okay, I can buy that because I know God isn't looking for me to be perfect.  But the he goes on to say that if we do those things we'll never stumble.  Never?  Now he's talking in absolutes.  How can doing my best, which is a far cry from being perfect, lead to never stumbling ... or never making a mistake?  I know I'm going to stumble again.  How do I know this?  Because I stumbled today.  I stumbled yesterday.  And the day before yesterday.  And last week.  And last month.  We're human ... stumbling is what we do best.

I'm not sure what Peter really means here God.  I hope to figure this out some day, along with a bunch of other scriptures.   In the meantime help me to be more self-controlled, and loving, and perseverant, and good, and godly, and loving.  And thank you for this day ... it was a pretty good one.  I love you Jesus.  Amen.

So here I am, getting ready to type up my hundredth blog post.  I've thought about this for a few days, trying to decide what to write on.  After all, one hundred posts seems to be quite the milestone ... at least to me it does.  Maybe it feels like a big deal because I've never been that good at sticking with anything.  Who knows ... guess I'll get to writing now.

"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
Philippians 4:7, New International Version

If there is one thing in life I desire it's to know the peace of God.  I believe I've experienced his grace and mercy.  I understand what it feels like to know his love.  For some reason though his peace seems to have eluded me.  I'm not sure why ... I guess the easiest explanation would be to blame myself.  I'm sure there's something I've done along the way that has caused God to withhold it from me.  I'm sure there is some reasonable explanation as to why I don't deserve to live a God-peaceful life.  Maybe I lied too much as a kid.  Maybe I ran with the wrong crowd, and picked on the unpopular kids too much.  Maybe I screwed up too much as an adult, and made too many mistakes.  I know you can't outrun God's forgiveness ... that's promised to us.  But is God's peace promised?

This so called peace is supposed to transcend all understanding.  I guess I have a hard time even understanding that statement.  This is what I do understand though ...

I understand the feeling of frequent disappointment.
I understand what it means to put your hope into something or someone only to get let down.
I understand the pain of loving someone only to receive no love in return.
I understand wanting to do the right thing but not really knowing what 'right' is anymore.
I understand pain.
I understand despair.
I understand hopelessness.

These are all things that I understand ... I understand them because I've lived with them, spent time with them, and unfortunately, grown to know them quite well.  I guess you could say that all of these feelings and emotions have transcended any feeling of peace I've ever known.  They must have, because I feel as if I could write a textbook definition of these things clear enough for anyone to understand, yet I have no idea how to define God's peace.

Is peace a blissful, happy place we store in our minds for quick reference?  Is it falling asleep without a heavy heart?  Is it waking up with hope, and an optimistic outlook for the new day God has given us?  Is it having the ability to focus on the important things in life and letting the rest go by the wayside?  Is it feeling like everything is going right?  I don't know.  I don't know what it's like to lay my head down and night and just fall asleep.  I usually have to stay up until I'm mentally or emotionally exhausted.  I don't get physically exhausted anymore, so I have to resort to other means.  I'm not sure when I last woke up feeling hopeful.  I'm sure I have at some point recently ... hope always precedes a let down.  I just don't really know the feeling of waking up two days in a row feeling that way.  And as for focusing ... well ... that's never really been a strength of mine.  I've always been good at starting things ... I've never really been a finisher.  Maybe peace comes with being cynical.  Maybe it's located somewhere near the intersection of cynicism and self-centeredness.  My most difficult times in life were always associated with how I reacted to the actions of others.  Other people were responsible for my most non-peaceful times, so ... if I become cynical, and only care about myself ... maybe I'll avoid the let downs ... maybe I'll find peace.  I'm not sure I'm buying that.

So the last part of the verse is where it really hits home.  The peace that Paul speaks of is supposed to guard our hearts and our minds.  Really?  My heart and mind are nothing more than battlegrounds where I meet satan on a daily basis.  The first battle typically starts about 60-90 seconds after I wake up.  The last one ends about a second or two before I fall asleep at night.  Between the two I don't experience much peace, so if it's supposed to be guarding my heart and my mind, it's not doing that great of a job.  Maybe the peace keeper assigned to me has a habit of calling in sick.  It's not like I haven't invited it to hang out with me, or to 'rest' upon me ... I've prayed for God's peace to flood my life, and to take over, and to do all sorts of spiritual sounding things countless times.  I just feel like that's one prayer that seems to go unanswered.  Why?

I think the natural thing for a Christian to do is to assume that pain + lack of peace + struggles = learning a lesson.  It's easy to use that equation to deduce that "obviously I'm going through this because God wants me to learn something."  I think that's what we're taught by well meaning pastor's during Sunday services, but in my opinion that's a bunch of crap ... pardon me.  That's a lot milder than what was actually going through my mind.  That's not to say that God doesn't use bad experiences to teach us things, but I just can't buy the fact that one of his most common tools for disciplining us and teaching us is continual misery.  That's not the God I know.

There's a hokey Christian bumper sticker that says the following:

No God.  No Peace.  Know God.  Know Peace.

I say it's hokey because it simplifies something that I don't think is that simple.  After all, I know God.  I understand his nature.  His spirit lives within me.  I read his word, I talk to him daily.  I listen to songs about him ... God isn't a stranger to me.  I don't think this abstract concept of God's peace can be trivialized into a saying on a bumper sticker.  And quite honestly, I think there are a lot of people running around the world that have no relationship with God at all who are living more peaceful lives than most Christ followers.  I'm sorry ... ignorance bothers me.

So I've been flying this plane for awhile now and can't seem to find the runway.  Usually by the time I've written this much I've felt God instructing me on how to "land it."  I'm not feeling it this morning.  Maybe this is another "Part One".  If it is that would make sense.  I guess I really didn't feel like I'd solve the mystery of God's peace in six or seven paragraphs.  I'm not sure what it will take to solve it ... but this is one thing I aim to finish.  God bless you.

Hello everyone.  Another short note from me to you.

I'm going to take the next few days 'off' from writing.  I hope you all don't go anywhere.  I promise the break won't be long.  Not to mention, the next post I write will by my 100th blog, so it has to be special right?

God bless and thanks for being part of the 'chase.'

Why is it so hard to trust God at times?  I know I say this a lot, but "maybe it's just me."  I've learned over the years that I'm different than most people in a lot of ways, so maybe it's true when it comes to trusting God as well.  Let me lay out the scenario for you ...

I've been seeking God's will for a particular part of my life for several months now.  What I'm asking from Him, or of Him, is an easy thing for him to bring about.  However, because it's such a huge part of my existence, and the decision I make has the potential to change my life, it's a pretty big deal for me.  Got is so far?  Big deal for me - not a big deal for God.  Life changing for me - blip on the radar of eternity for God.

So on Monday I'll be taking a step towards this new direction.  It may be a big deal or it may turn out to be nothing.  The outcome may be life changing or it may be day changing.  Here's where the trust issue comes in ... if God has the hairs on my head numbered then He obviously knows how important this decision is for me.  If that's the case, why is it so hard for me to trust that whatever happens will be part of His will for my life?  I've never been so submissive to God's guidance as I have over the past year.  I've never sought his will for my life the way I have over the past year.  I've never been so willing to yield to his leading as I have over the past year.  So if that's true, and I believe it is, why is it so hard to take this next step?  Why is it so hard to trust?

I don't know the answer.  I thought maybe if I talked it through I'd get it.  I will eventually ... I always do.

To end on a positive note, I'm so thankful to have a wife who is so supportive and patient as we walk through this journey together.  I have a feeling other guys wouldn't be so blessed and lucky as I am.  She's certainly had to deal with a lot this past year, and with every twist and turn she's been right there by my side, reassuring me with her confidence in me, and in our God.  I'm also thankful to have a family that has been there for me/us when we needed them, to support us in many different ways.  I'm thankful as well for the friends that God has put in my life.  The ones who send an encouraging message at just the right time.  The ones who support this blog, and my love of music by coming out to listen to me over and over ... and over.  Regardless of what happens to me in the coming days and weeks ... regardless of the direction my life takes ... I'm truly blessed.  God bless you all.