My house is very quiet right now.  Cooper is sleeping on the floor in front of me.  I can hear the 'tick tock' of the table clock next to me.  It's been raining most of the day here in Michigan.  For anyone from here who no longer lives here, it's a typical gray sky day in the mitten state.

My day seemed busy today yet as I look back on it it's hard feel like I accomplished much.  Yet I actually did get some stuff done ... I landed a few small design/consulting projects today.  I bought the beads I need to make a piece that I was commissioned to make.  I attended a monthly meeting for a design committee I'm a member of.  I took Cooper for a long drive.  I completed some meaningful tasks today, yet as I sit here I have the most empty of feelings in my stomach.

I'm not sure where to go from here.  Tonight the city I interviewed with last week for the consulting contract votes on whether or not to hire me.  A majority 'yes' vote would be a good thing.  It would mean that I'd be back to working more, and doing more to support my family of two and one dog.  As great as that would be that still won't fill the void I feel.  I'm not sure what would.  Those who are reading this who are more mature in Christ than I am are saying "c'mon Joe, God is the one meant to fill that void in your life."  Really?  You think I don't know that?  My question back is "how's that working with you?"  Do you feel complete because you have a personal relationship with God, or do you have the guts to say out loud and publicly that you still feel something missing?

I'm not sure if God is listening right now, getting more and more upset with me with every word I type or if He's rejoicing in my openness and honesty?  You see, he's my audience of one ... the fact that you're reading this right now is a bonus.  I'm chasing God, not Mark or Linda or Rick or Hannah or Laura or Dave.  I'm chasing God.  To me this is real ... and it's a matter of life or death.  I'm either going to get it right or I'm going to get it wrong.  To my knowledge nobody has ever sort of gotten to Heaven.  No one can be sort of saved.  Jesus talked a few times about how lukewarm-ness made him sick.  I may not be diplomatic ... I'm certainly not the most educated or eloquent ... I probably get things wrong more than I get them right ... but one thing's for sure, I'm not going to be lukewarm and sort of in my relationship with God.  He's going to know exactly how I feel, and when I'm feeling it.  If Jacob can wrestle with him and David can whine to him, then so can I.

I just want to know if this is the way it's going to be.  Is life nothing more than a serious of challenges and emotions wrapped up one day at a time, with no shortage of people telling us (because it's supposed to make us feel better, and I'm sure it's how they approach their own life) that "it's not what happens to you but how you handle it that makes the difference"?

I have a wonderful, understanding, loving wife ... a mom and dad who love me ... brothers and sisters who love me ... friends who love me ... a dog who thinks I'm all that and a bag o' chips.  I've sang and ministered to 7 people and 7,000 people.  I've written songs that have touched people and made significant impacts in their lives.  As far as I know, if the story was accurate, I sang a song one night that convinced a girl not to commit suicide.  I've designed local and regionally famous projects.  I live in a home.  I eat three or more meals a day.  I drive a car that has a moon roof and built in bluetooth technology.  I have a balance in my checking, savings, and 401k accounts.  I have 16 coats and ten pair of shoes.  I have three guitars, six speakers, two power amplifiers, four mic stands, three guitar stands, six microphones, and more ... and a trailer to haul it all in.  I have a flat screen, a leather couch and chair worth 20 times what I paid for my first car, and a stainless steel fridge ... with food in it.  I have more baseball hats than one guy really needs, and certainly more t-shirts than one guy really needs.  My original band, Fall Creek, has around 670 fans on facebook, and on top of all this, on August 20, 1990 I asked Jesus to be my Lord and Savior, and I've walked with him ever since.

So what's missing?  What could I possibly need that I don't have?  God, what is this void all about?!?!  I don't get it and I'm tired of trying to!

I don't know ...