I had a moment of reflection today.  It really was just a moment (which I think is about a minute long ... maybe it was more like two minutes).  In that moment however I thought about a lot that has happened over the past year, and how God has provided so much for my wife and I ... so much that I never could have or would have seen coming.

I thought about it because this afternoon I was video taped at my church giving a short testimony on how God erased a debt that I owed my surgeon.  It's going to be used as part of a series at church.  I couldn't believe how nervous I was talking to the camera ... I hated it.  Anyway, after taping that I had to get to a meeting in downtown Lansing.  The 'reflection' took place while I was driving to that meeting.  I was thinking about all that has happened in the last year that brought me to the point of having to go to this particular meeting.  I thought about all that God has done ... all that He has orchestrated ... all that He has been doing on my behalf, in particular, over the past year.

Things have happened, and phone calls have been made, and meetings have been scheduled, and opportunities have come up, and bands have broken up, and people have shown up, and people have left, and on and on ... there's no way I could have written the script, but I'm so glad to be following the Master Script Writer.

God really is good.  He really does care, about every little detail of our lives.  While I still have a long way to go, I've gotten better at handing over control of my life to God.  I've gotten better at trusting him.  And as a result, things have gotten better.  God bless you, and good night.

What I'm getting ready to post was never going to get shared ... at least not by me.  I sent it to a friend of mine that writes a lot of poetry ... a lot more than I do.  In a roundabout way I told him "why don't you post it?"  I guess I didn't want to be so open, so transparent.  I mean, I can be to a certain extent, but this is pretty deep ... pretty personal.  He told me "I would own it Joe...and not worry what others think...because its beautiful and true...maybe you should pray for the right words and explain it more in your blog...I thought it was awesome ..."

So I opened up the blog editor.  What the heck right?  What's the worse that can happen?  Someone might think I'm nuts, or neurotic, or unstable, or crazy, or a wimp .......... hell, it's probably all true.  As I was getting ready to start this new post, I saw that a comment was left on a post I made a few days ago.  It was from my nephew Brenten.  He's an amazing young man who has a wonderful heart for God and a longing to do God's will.  AND he's a musician!  Oh how I wish I could play the guitar like he does, though he's got a few years on me.  Anyway, I read the comment that he left.  Part of it read "You're an excellent writer/communicator. That's a God-given gift!  I always love to read your posts and see your transparency and honesty."

So how do I ignore those comments?  I question whether or not to post my poem and within five minutes I read that!  Take it for what it's worth, but I know when God speaks to me, and the words from those two guys was no coincidence.  That being said, I know not everyone will relate to this.  Like I said before, some may read this and wonder about my emotional condition.  Well guess what ... I'm an emotional guy, and I'm just fine with that.  For some that description may be an oxymoron (emotional guy), but it's who I am.  My heart is on always on my sleeve, which makes it so vulnerable, and exposed to the dangers of the world.  I trust easily, therefore I'm hurt and disappointed easily.  I love much more than I don't, and I tend to love deeply.  I'm loyal, compassionate, and real.  And you'll never have to wonder what I'm thinking or how I feel about something because I'll more than likely tell you.  With me, what you see is definitely what you get. 


For my regular readers, forgive me for not having a verse to go along with this blog.  You'll just have to settle for my own thoughts today.  My prayer every time I post something is that it will reach at least one person and it's no different tonight.  If it reaches two or more, that's great, but if I can make a difference in the life of just one person, then the time spent writing was worth it.

So many of you know that I deal with chronic, often severely chronic pain.  I know ... blahdy blahdy blah ... tell us something you haven't told us a million times.  Sorry ... it's my story ... deal with it.  Today I wrote a poem about how I was feeling.  I've learned through some bad and/or negative experiences that when I'm in pain, or dealing with pain, I can be a real pain in the a... to be around.  I say things I shouldn't say.  I do things I shouldn't do.  I'm illogical and irrational at times, and it has lead to a lot of unfortunate and sometimes irreparable circumstances.  As such, I've had to learn to isolate myself ... I've had to learn to be alone, and to be content with being alone.  Not to be a martyr for chronic pain sufferers around the world, but so that I wouldn't do and say stupid stuff.  As hard as this next one might be to believe, I've had to learn to be quiet as well.  To keep my mouth shut lest I say something stupid, illogical or irrational. For someone like me, that's difficult.  Someone told me once that I can't go ten minutes without saying something to someone.  That may be true, so to keep my mouth shut, or to isolate myself because I'm afraid of ... well ... afraid of me ... that sucks.  Sucks the big one.  

So the poem is about being alone in my thoughts, and about staying quiet.  It's about questioning God, and talking to God, and during the quiet times, hopefully hearing from God.  It's about the despair, the frustration, and the anger associated with being in pain twenty four hours a day, and subsequently, affecting those I love the most and who are closest to me.  If reading this helps you, even one of you, I've succeeded for the day.  If you read it and think I'm a babbling, self indulgent idiot, I get it ... I know why you'd feel that way.  We live in a world of television, with bachelors looking for wives, and Snookie looking for a life, and 16 year old kids glamorizing pregnancy, and strangers cheating, lying and stealing to and from each other on remote islands, trying to 'survive.'  Our sense of reality these days is anything but real.  I'd like to think that what I write is about as real as it gets.  God bless you, and good night.

One More Knot

Loneliness is a dark place

Like a prison with no escape

The walls are thick, the floor is cold

The nights dark, as are the days

“Don't you see? You're the warden.”

“No way … how can it be?

I'm not the warden, I live in the cell.”

“Yes, but not one created by me.”

Can it be true, what the darkness proclaims?

Have I made this place my own?

It could be I guess, this horrible place

Where the self-judged and guilty are thrown.

If that can be true, if it is as you say

Then who was the judge and jury?

Who argued my case, who presented the facts?

Tell me the truth, please hurry!

Have you ever been here?

Has darkness entered your home?

In a room full of people

Can you still feel alone?

If he's never paid a visit

Then you can't understand

You've no right to judge me

I'm no less of a man.

My emotions run rampant

This fact I'll admit

Life's never seemed harder

My instinct: to quit.

But is that an option?

Will that action bring change?

Will the prison door swing open

Will tomorrow be the same?

I don't know the answer

And my hope it wears thin

The judge and the jury

Seem to come from within

I call out to God

Not just call, but I pray

What have I done Lord?

And why must I pay?

Your judgement is final

Your Son paid the price

My sins have been cancelled

Yet guilt is my vice.

I hold it, almost treasure it

I can't let it go

It's power overwhelming

A seed constantly sown.

But the harvest is barren

Unless loneliness counts

Misery is my offering

And an enemy waiting to pounce.

He roams and he wanders

Not aimless, but with purpose

His goal: to destroy me

And all that's within us.

I've battled for years

This lion, this ruler

I've grown weary from fighting

The one who's so clever.

He knows where to strike

He knows when I'm weak

So convincingly telling

Of a future so bleak.

Where are you oh God?

Are you that hard to find?

I'm ready to quit

And you don't seem to mind.

Is this what I've lived for?

Is this all that I've gained?

A broken down body

A life full of pain?

Physical or emotional

No line drawn between

Tears offered to God

A God I've never seen.

Faith that's been weakened

My witness unworthy

No longer a warrior

With a hope that's gone blurry.

Was this in your plan,

Was there something I missed?

I need answers now!

And if I may, I insist.

Though weakened and hurting

I know you're still there

In spite of my anger

I know you still care.

You love me, you have to

For you've called me your own

Forgive me dear Father

For the anger I've sown.

Forgive me the hate

For the doubt, for my fears

For all of the worry

And for all the shed tears.

I've never been perfect

I've barely reached 'good'

I fall short almost daily

Don't act as I should.

That's why I feel worthless

And want to give up

I fell short of your standard

Like the Prodigal Son.

I wasn't the first

Who's dwelt on the past

there were many before me

And I won't be the last.

This mountain that I'm facing

Seems an unconquerable slope

Tie one more knot for me … at the end of my rope.

Boasting - Part II


"... but I will not boast about myself, except about my weaknesses. ⁶ Even if I should choose to boast, I would not be a fool, because I would be speaking the truth. But I refrain, so no one will think more of me than is warranted by what I do or say, ⁷ or because of these surpassingly great revelations. Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. ⁸ Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. ⁹ But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. ¹⁰ That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
2 Corinthians 12:5b-10, New International Version


I believe I'm in a full out battle.  Some would call it a spiritual battle.  Some would tell me it's all in my head.  Some may try to make the case that I think too much.  At times I could be accused of not thinking enough.  I'm sure there are times I should try to let some things go.  Other times I should try to hold on to other things.  Over the past month I've screamed, cried, and remained quiet.  I've wanted to be alone, and I've craved the company of others.  One thing that's avoided me is what some call peace.  Others may refer to it as being content.  I don't feel angry at all ... I don't feel resentment towards a person.  The times I want to be alone, I just want to be alone.  Mostly just so I can be quiet.  If there is one thing I've learned during my 21 year walk with the Lord is that there is life and death in the power of the tongue.  While I'm known to be a talker, I've learned to remain quiet when I need to, and over the past month I've been very quiet.  I've learned there are certain things that just can't be and shouldn't be spoken.  The devil does a great job of screwing with me as it is ...  I don't need to give him any more ammunition.

I feel I've lost a lot of things in life.  Now whether I actually lost them, or they were taken from me, or whatever definition you want to use ... I guess I don't care.  To me, it's all loss.  And not the Biblical "loss is gain" type of loss.  It's loss.  People I loved were taken from me at a young age.  I've lost some close friends over the course of my life due to misunderstandings, miscommunications, or sometimes I'm sure because of my erratic behavior.  Whether it's the ability to physically do something, a job, a brother or aunt, a good friend, self-esteem, or just a simple belief ... loss is loss.  Loss leads to grief.  I'm learning to accept that grieving is a natural thing, and that it's okay.  It's hard, because I'm a guy.  Guys are supposed to be tough.  We're not supposed to let things get to us.  We're supposed to be able to handle stuff by having a beer, or hanging out with the guys, or going to the gym.  We certainly aren't supposed to talk about what's bothering us, and God forbid should we share it publicly like I am now.

The paragraphs below are "ripped off" from a note that my nephew wrote.  Now technically, he's not my nephew.  However, my wife and I are good friends with his parents.  Chris has known them most of her life, so she's always been Aunt Chrissy.  Well, when we got married, by default I became Uncle Joe to he and his siblings.  Like him, I've been on a song writing spree lately.  It's the only way I know how to get the thoughts bouncing around my head to come out.  Most of the songs I write are gut wrenching, from the heart, real life stuff.  Most of the time it's stuff that I've personally gone through, though at times I take a story from someone I know, insert myself, and write about how I'd handle it or what I'd do if I were in that situation.  When I read the note my nephew wrote, I had mixed emotions.  As his 'uncle' I was proud of him being bold enough to express his feelings like he did.  By the way, I didn't post the entire note, just the part that I wish I could have written myself, but couldn't find the words.  As a fellow musician and songwriter I was joyful and sad, excited and emotional, and more than anything amazed at how he was able to capture much of what I've been feeling and going through in just a few paragraphs.

I've got 276 friends on facebook.  Some of you might actually read this.  Of those who do, some will get it, some won't.  That's fine.  I'm learning more and more every day that very few people in life will ever "get" me.  I spent 98% of my life trying to get people to like me, to accept me, and to get me.  I'm sorry I wasted so much time doing that.  Over the years I've even run in to a few decoys ... people who I thought understood me.  People who I thought liked me for the erratic, irrational, creative and compassionate person I am.  Guess I was wrong, because eventually they went away.  That's okay.  A few stuck around.  My wife stuck around.  And musically, I realized after reading my nephew's note that there is at least one person who understands where I'm at.  For that, I'm grateful, and I thank God for it.  If you've made it this far in the note, take a few more minutes to read what he wrote below.  Pretty bold and insightful for someone in his early twenties.  God bless.


What's going on?  I've been getting new songs literally everyday!  My computer screen and iphone are filled with notes of song lyrics.  There's voice memos and Logic demos, just so I don't forget all the melodies in my head.  It's almost like I pick up my guitar and God just hands me something new to work on or gives me a new thought I haven't had before.

Needless to say, I haven't been writing like this or this much music... EVER!  It's exciting and it's overwhelming, all in one.  Probably because I believe songwriting is a gift God has given me specifically and I plan on somewhat making a career out of it, amongst other things.  Also, a lot of the pressure, I think, is because I honestly believe the songs I'm writing are actually pretty good and that's not always the case among us songwriters.

We're always wrestling with music and lyrics and loving and hating what we're doing.  A lot of my older stuff I just got tired or bored with because I knew when it was good or not, so I would leave things and never finish them or just so frustrated to where I might even literally curse out loud and throw down my instrument or rip of my headphones when listening back to something.

If you haven't notice, we songwriters are pretty emotional people.  I see and feel things differently.  I write down what I feel but don't always say it out loud.  If you wanna know me, listen to my songs... that is if I let you hear them in the first place

"... but I will not boast about myself, except about my weaknesses. ⁶ Even if I should choose to boast, I would not be a fool, because I would be speaking the truth. But I refrain, so no one will think more of me than is warranted by what I do or say, ⁷ or because of these surpassingly great revelations. Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. ⁸ Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. ⁹ But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. ¹⁰ That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
2 Corinthians 12:5b-10, New International Version

I was driving down the road yesterday thinking about the verse "God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble."  (James 4:6).  And right now, at 8:52 am on Saturday, I can't remember what caused me to think about that.  However, it stuck with me all day.  I've been thinking about God's grace a lot lately.  I was listening to a pastor talk in a meeting on Monday about healing.  He talked about how God still provides super natural healing, he provides natural healing, through doctors or medicine, and at time he withholds healing, but gives us the grace we need to endure what it is we're going through.

That last part is hard to deal with at times.  However, it made me think about the apostle Paul, and the 'thorn in [his] flesh'.  He only asked God three times to remove it.  Geesh, I've asked God 100 time to heal my back ... maybe more.  Plus countless others have prayed on my behalf.  My wife and I have talked about this a few times this week.  Why won't God heal me?  It's not that he can't.  It's not because we haven't prayed.  Reading the verses above makes me wonder if I give it too much attention.  I mean Paul ... the pillar of all pillars ... only asked three times, then he dropped it.  He knew that when he was weak he depended more on Christ for strength.  His power and strength came from Christ, not from within. 

I'm pretty sure that 99% of all Christians pray less when things are going well.  When the blessings are flowing, when life is good, when the kids are acting right, when the bonuses come at work, when the sun shines more than it rains (unless you're a farmer), when the kid is finally potty trained ... when life is good, Christians pray less.  But when life is bad ... when you lose a job, or when you bury your child, when you put your dog down, when you're diagnosed with cancer, when you have another surgery, when your family disowns you ... when things aren't going so well, we become temporary prayer warriors.

I think one of the messages that Paul is sending in the passage above is one he consistently preached to all the churches ... pray all the time, and always be content with where you're at (my paraphrase of course).  He says that he "delighted" in weakness.  He wrote elsewhere that he had learned to be content with a little, and content with a lot (again, my paraphrase).  He may have somewhere, but I can't think of a time when Paul boasted about how great things were going for him.  The only time he'd brag is when stuff hit the fan, and things weren't going all that well, and he did so to remind people of how great his God is, not how terrible his circumstances were.

As I think back over the 116 blogs I've written, I know I've talked a lot about hardships, and difficult times, and rotten circumstances.  I don't know how uplifting they've been ... maybe not much.  My hope and prayer however, is that through the stories your focus and attention would be turned toward the God I love and do my best to serve, and how faithful and loving he is.  I don't want the attention, or pity, or for anyone to feel sorry for me.  Over the past two weeks I've written on some pretty deep stuff.  Some very personal and painful stuff.  A few of you have sent me some very caring and touching messages, and I thank you for that.  But please don't let my circumstances overshadow the God who has sustained me through those circumstances.  That's what this is all about.  God bless you, and have a wonderful day.

"Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ."
Galatians 1:10, New International Version

It's hard when God puts me in check.  I sat down and asked Him to give me a verse to write about today.  It had been awhile since I read the book of Galatians so I started there.  Got to verse 10 and stopped ... dead in my tracks.  This one hurt ... and it's not just the 'first cut (is the deepest)', but the second, third, and maybe the fourth cut as well.  It's one more battle in this war called life that I've fought time and time again.  Most of the time ... I lose.

It goes by many names ... the cool sounding ones are codependency or approval addiction.  The not so cool sounding ones are suck up ... pest ... weakling ... loser.  Or maybe that's just what goes through my head.  I'm no psychiatrist, and I don't even play one on t.v., but I could probably come up with a long list of reasons why I seek the approval of human beings.  If you've been a faithful reader of this blog, you've already heard them.  If you're new, the short explanation is that due to the death of my oldest brother, I became the middle child whose parents divorced, whose father abandoned me and my two brothers, who grew up with a stutter which led to a low self esteem and not much confidence.  I walked around junior high and high school afraid of my own shadow.  Fortunately I had a few friends who always had my back.  I went to college and flunked out within four terms.  Moved back home, got a job, hated the job, went back to college.  Got married, bought a house, and got involved in a network marketing business.  Graduated from college but was told by my 'business partners' that college was worthless, and that being in "this" business was the only way to succeed.  Failed miserably at the networking business.  Finally walked away from it after years of negative reinforcement "motivation."  Worked harder at my job, succeeded at my job, then got laid off from my job.  There you go ... that's 34 years, beginning at age 7, summed up in a paragraph.  I have to start at age 7 because I really don't remember much before then.  It's not the worse story you've ever heard, I'm sure, but it's my story.

So what's that got to do with seeking the approval of others?  Pretty much everything from my viewpoint.  Middle children really do have to work harder for attention.  When one of your parents leaves and doesn't contact you for ten years, you'll spend a lot of time wondering why, and asking yourself if it was because of you?  Obviously dad didn't like me ... I have to try harder to get people to like me.  When you can't talk clearly, or smoothly, or "normal", you get picked on and teased a lot.  If they're teasing me they must not like me.  I have to try harder to get people to like me.  You show up the first day of junior high, meet a ton of kids you've never met before, which leads to more kids picking on you and teasing you because you still can't talk very well.  Not to mention you're small, slow, and weak.  An easy target.  So to avoid getting the crap beat out of you by the school bullies, you try hard to get people to like you. 

That continues through high school.  You finally graduate.  You can leave all that behind.  You arrive on the campus of Michigan State University ... a new dawn right?  No one knows you ... you can start over ... reinvent yourself.  Unfortunately you're still walking around trying to get everyone to like you.  You go by Joe now, and not Joey, but that's about all that's changed.  You still can't talk right, college still has bullies, and there are people there who will not like you.  I have to try harder to get people to like me.  You make a few friends ... the local dorm drug dealers.  Hey ... why not?  You smoke enough pot and you'll forget about people that don't like you.  You'll also flunk out of school.

You have to move back home now.  A failure.  Mom's not going to be happy about this one.  You're flunking out as your older brother is graduating from the University of Michigan.  Where's the pot?  I need more of that to cope with flunking out.  Makes sense right?  You get a job at a beer distributor ... exactly what you need ... to be surrounded by beer 8-10 hours a day.  Guess what?  Warehouses have bullies too.  By this time though you can handle your own ... you can dish as well as take it ... well ... at least you can dish it.  When your foreman calls you everything in the book for your first two weeks on the job, that's not the easiest thing to deal with.  He obviously doesn't like me.  I have to try harder to get people to like me.

While working there, loading 19 beer trucks every night, you find Jesus ... get saved ... get religion.  However you want to put it, your life changes.  Now I've got God on my side.  Not only that, but he's wiped the slate clean ... sins erased ... the Bible says I'm a new person!  Just like college, another chance to reinvent myself.  This is just what I needed.  But then in church you start hearing God referred to as 'father.'  You learn about the Ten Commandments.  You read things like "be holy for I am holy."  Holy?  Me?  The only thing I knew about holy at the time was that it preceded another word.  They tell me that God loves me, but I don't get it ... I can't even see Him.  I don't want to go to hell though, so I have to work hard, and try hard, and pray hard, and do everything right.  I have to try harder to get God to like me.

You see, it all becomes automatic at some point.  You do it without even thinking.  You don't realize what you're doing until people slowly start to avoid you.  At that point you know you've done something wrong, so you start to apologize ... for everything ... for existing.  You just want a friend ... someone to get you.  So you try harder to get people to like you.  You wake up one day in a recovery room at Sparrow hospital.  You've just had another back surgery.  You go home and you're pretty much alone because your wife has to work.  You heal, go back to work for six months, then have surgery number five.  You go home, alone most of the time again because your wife has to work.  It's no one's fault, you're just alone.  You heal, go back to work, get laid off three days later.  You're back home.  Back to being alone, day after day.  You look all over the world, literally, for a job and can't find one.  Still alone.  You have facebook, but that's just like high school all over again.  You ask someone to be your friend ... they either accept or ignore you.  You have a 50% chance of being ignored.  I have to try harder to get people to like me.

It's automatic.  You do it without thinking.  You wake up one day and look at what you have.  You assess your life, your accomplishments, your failures.  At some point you get sick and tired of trying.  You realize that God is pleased with you just the way you are.  After all, He created you.  He really does love you, and you're starting to understand that after 20 years of walking with Him.  Then you ask yourself, what's harder ... trying to get people to like you, or walking away from that way of thinking?  You know what ... they're both hard ... but one has a better pay off.  You choose the latter ... you try to find peace with who you are.  You remind yourself how much God loves you all day ... every day.  And then ... one day you realize ... that you made it one day without trying to get someone to like you.  And it feels good.

God bless you.

For the past few months on and off I've been experiencing pain in my lower back and down both legs again. If you've read the past two blog posts you know it's been a struggle dealing with it and trying to figure things out. The second part of that, me trying to figure it out, is really a joke. I don't know much but I know a few things: God's ways and thoughts are so much higher than my own; God can heal me; or in the absence of healing, for whatever reason, God can give me the grace to get through this. Every step I take is painful. Sitting for more than an hour or so is painful. Quite honestly I feel emotionally numb about the whole thing, and just emotional in general. It's hard to focus on what I should be focusing on. I feel angry because I'm not supposed to be dealing with this. I really thought after my last surgery I was going to go back to something that resembled a 'normal' life. For the past few weeks or months, I've felt anything but normal.

I'm only going to post this on the Chasing God facebook page. This isn't going be shared on my page. My prayer is that whoever is supposed to read, reads it. What I'm asking you to read is this: as you pray, or when you pray, ask God to make clear, which of the two options I've been given should I pursue. There are pro's and con's to both, and I don't want to make the wrong decision. In general, the two options are to have another surgery (possibly two depending on what they find) or to manage the pain.

Thank you for your prayers and friendship.

Joe

I recently watched the movie "The Kings Speech."  If you haven't seen it, I highly recommend it.  As some of you might know I grew up with a stuttering, or stammering problem.  Some days were better than others but most days I just couldn't talk clearly.  I couldn't begin to count the number of times kids laughed at me in school, or how many times in my early adult life people looked at me like I was some kind of freak.  On one hand how can you blame them when a 22 year old young man can't say his own name in an introduction?  On the other hand ... well ... let's just say their reactions at times could bring out the worst in me.

Outside of this blog I've begun to journal many of my thoughts.  Many nights I lay awake trying to fall asleep with little to no success.  Using the note application on my iPod, I've started to write down whatever is going through my head.  Sometimes it's nonsense.  Other times it's potential blog topics.  I've got half written songs in there, thoughts about what I'd say if only I get the chance to talk to someone, conversations with God, and yes ... even conversations with myself.  I don't know if it helps me sleep any better, but it sure has been a great exercise in clearing my head!  Unfortunately, doing so just makes room for more crazy, random thoughts.

This morning I was thinking about the movie, and about how similar his life and my life were.  We both had mean fathers that we were afraid of.  We were both made to write with our right hand when our natural inclination was to write with our left. (I eventually won that battle I guess, because I'm left handed today).  We both liked music, and liked to sing.  And we both hated speaking in public.  The more I thought about the movie, the more some of those crazy, random thoughts came to mind.  Below is a poem, or maybe the beginning of a poem, that captured some of those thoughts.

So shy, and quiet
He kept to himself
Not happy with who he was
Wanting to be someone else
He stammered and stuttered
He hated to speak
Could not say his name
His confidence weak

Years would pass by, 

not much would change
Stayed silent at all costs
To avoid added shame
Can you imagine the fear?
The experiences lost?
"Don't call on me now"
Again fear was the boss

The day finally came
This young boy now a man
"I'll stutter no more
Against fear I will stand"
A miracle from God?
No other way to explain
The stutter was gone
But still there was pain

More years would pass
Struggles kept coming
He forgot how to stand
From pain he kept running
He cried out to God
"Please help me be strong,
It's hard to keep running
Been running so long"
His God remained silent
Or that's how he felt
"Is this what I get?
This hand I've been dealt?"

There is no known cure for stuttering.  None.  Zip.  But one day I woke up, looked at myself in the mirror and said "Joe, yesterday was the last day you'll ever stutter again."  And it was.  Well, I've have had a few instances over the past 18 years, but it's 99% gone.  That's right ... I'm a walking, breathing, non stop talking, miracle believing child of the Most High.  Since that day I've spoken in more public meetings than I can count.  I've made more public presentations than I can count.  God healed me.

So what about the other struggles in life?  What am I do do with this "hand I've been dealt?"  What am I to think of the physical pain?  The emotional roller coaster?  God healed me of something that has NO KNOWN CURE yet I still walk around daily dealing with pain and issues that people recover from or are healed from all the time.  I'll be honest, at times it is hard to keep running.  I feel like I've been running this race a long time and it's hard to continue some days.  And it's really hard when it feels like you're getting tripped up and kicked in the gut all the time by you know who.  Well guess what?  Greater is He who is in me than he who in the world.  And if God is for us, then who can be against us?  Praise God for his promises.

Keep talking to God about your problems, your hurts, your habits, and your hang ups.  And make sure you tell all those things about how big your God is!  You don't have to write a blog, a poem, a song, or a journal.  Those work for me but they may not work for you.  Just talk to Him.  He's waiting.  Good night and God bless you.

"Pain is a universal and yet intensely personal experience. It is the invisible scourge that cannot be adequately explained to those around us; it is the constant companion that accompanies us in a thronging crowd or in the quietness of a cloistered bedroom. As pain becomes prolonged and persistent, our ability to cope with it seems to break down. We come to feel helpless, lonely, anxious, depressed and even angry. We get frustrated when others cannot understand our pain and we become annoyed when they tell us that they empathize with us. How can I deal with this pain? How do I make it stop? The poignant words of patient Job of old come to mind, "Yet if I speak, my pain is not relieved; and if I refrain, it does not go away." (Book of Job 16:6)" - author unknown

Hello to my wife, family members who may read this, friends who may read this, fellow God Chasers, and anyone else.  I haven't written a new post since last Saturday.  Thankfully I had 111 others to choose from to re-post on my Chasing God facebook page.  Two things have gotten in the way of writing: going back to work (for myself again), and dealing with physical pain ... again.  I honestly thought those days were over.

I'm going to do my best to explain a few things.  Not just so those closest to me can have a better understanding of what I'm dealing with, or to make excuses, or to foster pity, or to get attention.  In the last two days I've had two very close friends lose their mothers ... and right before Mothers Day.  The last thing on my mind right now is self pity.  Like almost every other blog I've written though, I'm writing this as an emotional release for myself, and God willing, to possibly help someone else.  Not for attention or to be self-indulgent.  Please know that ... or just leave the page now and go back to surfing facebook or something.

I don't do well bottling emotions up.  I've read some comments on past blogs where people have called me 'real', or 'transparent', or 'honest'.  I won't judge myself regarding any of that.  It's not so much about me as it is those around me.  You see, if you're one of the people in my life who I interact with on a regular basis, you've been affected by my condition, and not in a positive way.  You've possibly had to put up with things you shouldn't have to put up with.  Or you've had to pick up the slack in areas you shouldn't have had to.  I'm sure there's more things you've had to deal with, I just can't remember them right now.

If you want 'real', and if you want 'transparent', keep reading.  You see, I'm angry, and I need to get it out.  I'm angry with the pain, and with myself.  Actually, it's more than anger.  I'm just really pissed off.

Here's an excerpt from an online article I was reading earlier today:

The first step in dealing with chronic back pain is to accept the fact that the pain will be persistent and to find ways to cope with it. In other words, it's an attitude adjustment where one stops trying to eliminate all pain but instead decides to make the best of it. It may sound surprising, but this acceptance of pain goes a long way toward dealing with it, and eventually reducing, chronic pain. Here are some steps toward dealing with chronic back pain.

 Stop trying to eliminate it, and make the best of it.  Accept it.  Really?

So I should abandon all hope of eliminating the pain, and just accept that each morning when I wake up I'll have to continue to grab the window sill next to my side of the bed to lift myself up.  I'll have stand there for a few seconds to get my balance before I make another move.  I'll have to continue at times to ask my wife to put my socks on for me.  I'll have to continue to be in pain sitting in a car, or at my desk.  I'll have the privilege of walking around daily feeling like I have knives sticking in my lower back, and in the backs of both legs.  I'll continue to suffer every time I step on one of Cooper's toys, or trip on the threshold leading into my kitchen, or do the dishes, or rake the lawn, or just about anything else most people take for granted.  I'm supposed to accept the fact that my wife has had to start doing things I used to do.  I have to accept the fact that each morning I wake up I don't feel any better than when I went to bed the night before.  I'm supposed to accept the fact that I'm just not good at dealing with constant pain, though after this long I should be a master at it.  I have to accept that there are things I'll never, ever get to do again ... things that I loved doing.  Those are the relatively easy things to deal with though ... should I keep going?  I'll also have to accept that for some reason, the same God who created me and who can heal me has chosen, for now, to leave me in this condition.  I'll have to accept the tears that my wife and I have shared when together we've sat and asked God "why?"  I'll have to accept that at times I just don't think straight, or think at all.  I'll have to accept the consequences of acting before thinking.  I guess I'm supposed to accept it when, as a result of not thinking (which is a 'by product' of many things ... medications, the pain, the associated depression, and just an overall change of being), I say or do things that hurt or upset others, or compromise relationships.  Again I ask ... really?

I guess the answer is yes.  Here's why: according to two doctors I see, I have two choices.  The first is to get an MRI, and a CT scan to see what's going on.  At that point we'd have to determine which type of surgery I'd need to 'remedy' the problem.  Surgery number six.  I don't know about you, but I don't like playing the numbers game with my body.  The second choice is to manage the pain with a prescribed narcotic.  I won't tell you what my options are as far as what narcotic I'd get to use, but none of them were very exciting.  Regardless of which I choose, I will still have pain daily for the rest of my life.  So, at some point I have to learn to accept it, almost embrace it, and learn to live with it.  If I don't, I'm afraid to see what kind of person I might become.

The toughest part of the last two years of being home healing for six months, and unemployed for 12 was the being alone.  Before you tell me to get over it, I realize I wasn't completely alone.  After all, I'm married.  I'd get to see friends from time to time.  I had facebook open all the time to stay in touch, but as far as physically being around people, and associating with them on a daily basis, and talking and interacting, and so on, I haven't had much of that.  I'm a very social person, and I need that person to person interaction.  I believe that moderate isolation affected me in more ways than I can count.  It's caused me to be even more insecure than I was before.  It caused me to feel more dependent on others than I did before.  It's a two edged sword though ... because I only trust so many people, and I tend to lean on the same ones over and over.  

When the dust settles at the end of the day, and I'm laying in bed trying to fall asleep while the pain shooting down my legs is doing it's best to keep me awake, I think about the day.  Things I've said, or done.  It's at that time I realize the effects of the things I may have said or done that day.  Not every day ... I'm not a jerk or idiot all the time, but when I am, I usually start thinking about it as I'm trying to fall asleep.  Then of course I typically wake up with the same thoughts.  So I start my day off dwelling on my faults and the mistakes I made the day before, and I end my day thinking about my faults and the mistakes I made that day, and the 18 hours in between are spent battling with myself and the 'enemy' to overcome the low self image and low self esteem I've had since I was six or seven years old.  What goes on in my head isn't an excuse to act like a jerk at times.  I know that, and I hope I'm not coming across that way.  Like I said, I'm writing this down to walk myself through my own mind set, and to get past it ... and to maybe help someone else along the way.

I spent many years working physical labor type jobs.  I used to load hundreds and hundreds of cases of beer (cans, quarts, and 40 oz bottles) into package trucks five nights a week.  I used to install plants and trees all day, and build decks and retaining walls and pole barns.  I used to pour concrete sidewalks and curb and gutter and driveways and patios.  I was one lean, mean bad dude back then.  All of that was physically stressful, and at times, nerve racking, especially if the concrete was setting up too fast.  But the physical stress was always temporary, and at the end of the day I always felt a sense of accomplishment.  Emotional or mental stress can hang on for hours, or days, or weeks.  And when it goes away, there's no sense of accomplishment, only emptiness ... and wonder ... wondering when it's going to return.  Much of that work I used to do may be why I'm in the physical condition I'm in now.  I'd trade that physical stress for this emotional stress in a minute.  Life was so much better back then, at least in some ways.

So how can I put a book end on paragraphs of random thoughts?  How do I tie this in to Chasing God, and developing a deeper relationship with him ... which is what this blog is all about?  I can start with this ... God created me.  He knows all of my faults, weaknesses, hurts, habits, and hangups, and yet he still sent Jesus to the cross to provide a plan of salvation for an idiot like me.  He's also developed in me a sincere appreciation for every day I wake up breathing, in spite of the pain, because I know there are others who are much worse off than I am.  He's given me countless opportunities to put others before myself, because I've learned that when I focus on doing things for others, it takes my mind off the pain.  He's taught me how to love people with the most sincere, servant hearted kind of love ... something I didn't know how to do a few years ago.  Sometimes I may go too far, or try to love or serve or fix too much, but it's only because God has given me some incredible opportunities to know some wonderful people and I just don't want to miss out on any of them.  I love to serve others; I love to "do" for others; it's hard to let people do for me ... that's something else I need to work on.  So the bookend is what?  I believe it's that God loves me.  He may think I'm a doh doh brain, ding dong head at times, but God loves me, just the way I am.  And if God loves me ... loves me enough to send Jesus to die for me ... it's a slap in His face for me not to love myself.  The Bible says that we are to love others as we love ourselves.  Without being blasphemous, I think it's time I start to love myself the way I love others.  To anyone this may hit home with ... if any of what I've talked about sounds familiar, thank you for your patience, and for caring about me and loving me.  And remember ... I'm not where I want to be, I'm not where I'm going to be, but thank God I'm not where I used to be.

In my out of the box way, I'm going to end with asking you to listen to a country song.  It's by one of my favorite artists, Jason Aldean.  The lyrics should be self explanatory.  God bless, and much love you to all.

Joe