"Then he said to them all: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me."
Luke 9:23, New International Version

How do you outrun a memory
Can we both move on and let each other go
Living with you has been hard on me
I know that I'd be better off on my own

I packed a bag and left a few
I'm gonna make it, if it's the last thing I do
Because the only way to save myself from me
Is to let you go ... and outrun your memory

We've been together long enough
So long I did not recognize the hurt
Leaving you for me it won't be easy
But hanging 'round will only make things worse

I packed a bag and left a few
I'm gonna make it, if it's the last thing I do
Because the only way to save myself from me
Is to let you go ...

I'm gonna take the road less traveled
Move straight ahead and not look back

Because the only way to save myself from me
It's gonna hurt but this is how it's gotta be
The only way to save myself from me
Is to let you go ... and outrun your memory

Outrun Your Memory by Joe Wright

I think we've all heard the expression that "we're our own worst critic".  Maybe you've said, or have heard someone say that "I'm my own worst enemy."  I'm both, but through God's grace I'm learning to be different, to look at myself differently, and to leave the past behind.

When Jesus called His disciples, they had to do the same thing.  They had to look at themselves differently.  Some went from being mere fishermen, to being fishers of men.  They also had to leave their past behind ... their occupations behind ... even their families behind.  When God called me to follow Him, I didn't quit my job.  I didn't have to leave my family.  I didn't have to move to another country, or sell my house, or change my name.  There was one thing I did have to leave behind ... one person actually: me.  When you become born again God calls you a new 'creature', the old is gone and all things become new (my paraphrase).  However, some people like to hold on to the past ... even if it's painful.

I lived for many years with consistent physical pain.  I've lived a few years with consistent emotional pain.  Here's what I've learned about both: the body and mind can adapt, and get used to pain.  It doesn't mean the pain goes away ... you just get used to it.  It becomes normal ... even comfortable ... and familiar.  The things we're comfortable with and familiar with are the easiest things to hold on to, and gravitate towards ... even pain.  Sadness.  Depression.  Loneliness.  Despair.  Shame.  Embarrassment.

I wrote the song above as a reminder to myself to let those things go.  The memory of painful experience after painful experience was holding me back.  I was trapped inside myself, clutching on to the pain of those memories.  I had to learn to deny myself, and the baggage I was carrying around with me if I was ever going to move on.  I remember re-living one of the most painful memories with a few friends at a bar in Lansing (I wonder how many of you I just lost ... yup ... I occasionally sing in bars).  I was doing an acoustic gig on a Wednesday night for local social hour sponsored by our local Shopping District.  Some friends from school decided to come and support me.  For the last four years I had really gotten used to playing with my band behind me, so it was nice to see a few friendly faces in the crowd for one of the few solo gigs I've done during those four years.  It wasn't a paying gig ... unless you count a plate of nachos and a few diet Pepsi's getting paid.  So when I was done I joined my old classmates and waited for my nachos.  Two of the friends were sisters.  The older of the two kept jokingly referring to herself as Sasha, so that's what I'll call her.  Somehow after a few minutes the conversation had gotten to me talking about the first-day-of-third-grade-stuttering incident.  I told Sasha how this kid called me stupid because I couldn't say my name.  She asked if I knew where he lived because she was gonna go get revenge for me.  I think she was serious.  Actually, I know she was.  The memory of that kid calling me stupid was one I carried with me for a very long time.  It was the memory of that morning, my first day of third grade, the led to writing this song.

I don't know if I've "made it" ... but I will ... if it's the last thing I do.  And Sasha, if by chance you read this some day ... good looking out my friend.  God bless and good night.