After burying his father, Joseph went back to Egypt. All his brothers who had come with him to bury his father returned with him. After the funeral, Joseph's brothers talked among themselves: "What if Joseph is carrying a grudge and decides to pay us back for all the wrong we did him?" So they sent Joseph a message, "Before his death, your father gave this command: Tell Joseph, 'Forgive your brothers' sin—all that wrongdoing. They did treat you very badly.' Will you do it? Will you forgive the sins of the servants of your father's God?"  When Joseph received their message, he wept.
Genesis 50:14-17, The Message

The subheading of my blog explains how the purpose of the what I write is to share the "struggles I face ... while chasing after God."  Tonight, I'm going to be very open and transparent about the most difficult of those struggles.  I hope and pray that sharing it will in some way help someone.  I don't know what the answer is to the problem I'm going to write about.  I don't know how to overcome this struggle that seems to win the fight more than I care to admit.  I do know however, the God who does, and who can.  As you read this, if by chance you happen to be one of the friends or family I discuss later, I hope when you finish reading this that my life and the actions I take at times will make a little more sense.  Thank you for being gracious and forgiving of me time and again. ~ Joe

After church last night, my wife and I went out to dinner with two friends.  As hard as it may be to believe this, I somewhat dominated the conversation over the course of the five hours we spent at the "Lodge".  It started with our friend "Patty" asking me how my new job was going.  I answered the question, which led to talking about my past employer, which led to talking about some of the crap I went through and was accused of during my nine and a half years there, which led to talking about the place I worked at before them, which led to talking about how I was recently misled in a business deal, which led to talking about how others have attacked me over the past few years ... a few doing just about all they could to discredit me and ruin my reputation.  Towards the end of the conversation Patty asked me, "What do you think the reason is for you going through all of that?"  All the things we talked about never seemed like much while they were happening, but once I started recalling them one after another, they certainly seemed to add up.

I didn't know how to answer her.  I suppose some of it was due to people just being people.  Maybe it was all part of the spiritual battle that every Believer goes through.  I don't know.  I'd like to think I'm a pretty decent guy.  I certainly have my issues, and hang-ups, and character flaws, but overall I think the good out weighs the bad, so I don't know why I had to endure that 'stuff'.  And not just me, but my wife was dragged into some of it as well.  Maybe it was payback, because over the course of my lifetime, as many people have, I've made my share of mistakes ...

I've talked bad about people.
I've been rude.
I've been inconsiderate.
I've let my anger get the best of me.
I've broken promises.
I've promised people that I'd change and I haven't.
I've been jealous.
I've been envious.
I've hated.
I've been mean, and intentionally cruel.
I've cheated and lied.
I've taken things that weren't mine.
I've initiated problems.
I've instigated arguments.
I've manipulated circumstances.
I'm sure there's more I'm forgetting ...

The Bible refers to this as sin ... falling short of the glory of God.  I wish I could go back and tell everyone I'm sorry.  I've tried with some, but simply telling someone "I'm sorry" never seems like it's enough.  How can you deliberately hurt someone and expect to eradicate the pain that you've caused simply by speaking those three words: I am sorry?  I wish I could go back and return the five cent piece of candy I stole when I was 7 years old, because that led to stealing again ... and again ... and again.  I wish I could go back in time and fulfill all of the promises I made.  If only I could erase from my past the times I cheated in school, and lied to my parents, and have been jealous of friends.  Why is it that when I screwed up in the past it always seem to affect or hurt the people I cared about the most ... best friends ... and family?

Joseph's brothers treated him horribly.  They hated the fact that their father seemed to love him more than he loved them.  He was daddy's little boy.  To make matters worse he told his brothers of a dream he had, how one day he would rule over them.  In those times, the youngest brother could never hope to rule anything.  The first born was the big dog ... period.  So one day while they were traveling away from home, they decided to throw Joseph in a well.  They left him there for dead.  When they returned home, they told their father that he had been killed.  Joseph was later found and rescued from the well only to be sold into slavery by his rescuer.  He was a good slave ... loyal and trustworthy, and his master eventually put Joseph in charge of his entire estate.  Things were going good until his master's wife decided she wanted to have an affair with Joseph.  When he told her no, as any loyal servant would, she cried rape, and he was put in jail.

Joseph was a model prisoner and eventually became the number two man in the jail, second only to the captain of the guard.  His big break came when two of Pharaoh's servants were sentenced to prison because they couldn't interpret one of his dreams.  Joseph just happened to be there when they arrived, and was able to do what they couldn't.  Eventually - about two years later - he was taken to Pharaoh and became his number one man.  Fast forward a few years to when a famine was destroying Joseph's homeland.  His father and brothers had exhausted all of their resources, so they came to Egypt to beg Pharaoh's help.  Joseph was the one they had to talk to.  Though they didn't recognize Joseph, he immediately recognized his brothers.  Every evil thing they ever did to him came rushing to the forefront of his mind.  What was he going to do?  His father was old.  His family had no food.  The same family that tried to kill him was now asking for his help.

My family didn't throw me in a well.  I was never a sold as a slave.  I've never spent a minute in jail.  However, I know all too well the feeling that Joseph felt when his brothers appeared before him.  You see, my struggle isn't with people per se, but with one person in particular.  I understand and accept God's forgiveness.  I accept that Jesus paid the debt for me.  I have no problem with that at all.  I know that the people I care about the most, who I've hurt in some way, forgive me.  They must, because they still answer the phone when I call, and they let me in their house when I stop by.  My darkest, most difficult struggle however is trying to accept and receive forgiveness from that one person ... and that person is me.

I know how Joseph felt when he saw his brothers.  I feel the same at times when I look in a mirror, and begin recalling some of the things I've done and the people I've hurt.  If you've never faced that feeling, I pray that you never do.  Being unable to forgive oneself is a sentence I wouldn't wish upon anyone.  The guilt and shame I feel seems insurmountable at times, but like Joseph, I serve a God bigger than all of that.  My God is bigger than my guilt.  He's bigger than my shame.  He's bigger than my past, present, and future.  He's bigger than the mistakes I made 30 years ago, the ones I made 30 days ago, even the ones I made 30 minutes ago.  He's bigger than all of that.  The secret is to let Him in ... the secret is getting so close to Him that his shadow covers your past, making it impossible to see.

As with any struggle, the solution always seems easier said than done.  If you could indulge me again, and allow me to re-post some of the lyrics from Rascal Flatts' song "I'm Moving On", I think you'll see that the writer finally figured self forgiveness out.  I bet if I sat down with them, our stories wouldn't be that different.  I've listened to this song no less than a few hundred times trying to figure out the secret ... trying to find the answer that he or she found.  Unfortunately I've been unsuccessful.

I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons 
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on

... I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I've loved like I should but lived like I shouldn't
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I'm movin' on

I wish I could have ended this on a high note.  I wish I could have put a 'happy story' book end on the back side of this post.  I don't believe that chasing God was ever meant to be easy.  I have faith however in all of His promises.  I have faith when He tells us the 'chase' is worth it.  God bless you.