"I know I'm filled up to be emptied again;"
An excerpt from the song "Desert Song" by Hillsong Music, Australia

It's been one of those days.  Anxious about change, which leads to more anxiety about pretty much anything, which leads to a miserable start to the morning.  And the clock hadn't struck 8:00 am yet.  So I got in my car, backed out of the driveway, and drove west to the second stop sign.  I sat there.  There was nobody behind me, and I had to wait for traffic anyway ... so I sat there.

God ... why me?  I know life was never meant to be fair, but why does it have to be so difficult?  Is this all there is?  Am I creating situations that don't exist?

I make a left hand turn and continue south for about a mile.  I get to the first traffic signal as my right eye develops a tear.  Yep ... I cry.  Probably more than most guys ... or anyone.  I've always been that way, especially as a young child.  Emotions and feelings seem to always get the better of me.  I advance through the intersection and continue driving.

God, I can't cry.  I'll be at work in less than five minutes.  I can't walk in there with red, puffy eyes.  Not on my first day!  Besides that, I'm sick of my emotions winning.  Why can't I win today?  Just give me today God.

I approach the four-way stop sign.  I try to wipe the few tears on my face in a way that the guy in the car next to me won't know what I'm doing.  As the road bends to the east I continue on for another mile or so.  I'm here.  New job.  New people.  New opportunities to question myself, and so the internal conversation begins. 

Which me should I be today?  The quiet, reserved, introverted 'me'?  That's usually the safest route.  But people also like the outgoing, laughing, jovial 'me'.  I've mastered the art of "the game face", so I can be 'him' even if I don't feel like it.   

Don't you remember though?  How the outgoing 'you' was accused of not being productive at your old job?  Don't you remember how 'he' was told not to ask questions on staff meetings anymore?  Go the safe route.  Stick with the quiet 'you'.

You're right.  Safe.  With safety comes security.  Feeling safe and secure ... that's good.  I'll go with the safe 'me'.

Hold on.  The safe 'you' may not work either.  Remember how you were accused of being too outgoing at your old job, so you decided to sit quietly at your desk with your headphones on, ignoring the world around you, whittling away at the work in front of you?  You can't forget that.  Too outgoing?  That's like being too rich, or too pretty, or too tall.  Impossible!  However, I know you can't forget what happened next.  The quiet 'you' was accused of having a bad attitude, and accused of being rude, simply because you were quiet and keeping to yourself.  They would remind you of how cheerful and outgoing you used to be.  Outgoing ... but didn't they say you were too ...

So what do I do?

I don't know.  It's hard ... well ... impossible really, to try to please everyone.  Looks like you're damned if you do, and damned if you don't.  The front door is right there ... you don't have long to figure it out.  Good luck.

It was 7:58 am.  I walked in feeling empty.   The song above tells the story of a sower running out of seed, and how their seed bags are emptied just to be filled again.  Is that why we're emptied?  Is that why God allows difficulties, and pain, and sadness, and all those other soul-emptying states of being?  And when it comes, why does He seem to allow the floodgates to open? 

Did I have to start a new job the same week that it seems my dog ... my baby boy ... may have to be put down?  And on a week where I'm scheduled to play with the worship team at church over the weekend?  And the music we're playing ... couldn't You have worked it out to where it would be no-brainer music on this weekend?

I consider myself to be a generous person ... a giver.  I do my best to sow the seed that God gives me.  I'm sure I unintentionally drop seeds in the weeds from time to time ... maybe a few kernels on the rocks, or in the sand ... but for the most part, I try to make a difference where ever I go, or with whatever I do.  Like the sower's seed bag, the result at times is emptiness.  However, I believe that God faithfully fills me up when I need filling.  He may allow me to get to the brink now and then ... like I did this morning ... but He always finds a way to fill me up ... to renew my spirit ... and He's never late.  Well ... not that late.

God, I know you already know this, but ... I need filling.  Thank you.