"I find I'm so excited I can't sit still or hold a thought in my head.  I think it's the excitement only a free man can feel.  A free man at the start of a long journey ... whose conclusion is uncertain."
Ellis "Red" Redding, The Shawshank Redemption

The movie was described as "Two imprisoned men bond over a number of years, finding solace and eventual redemption through acts of common decency (as quoted from some movie website)".  The opening quote in the blog is my second favorite quote from the movie.

I've felt that kind of excitement before.  One of the most recent things that led to such excitement was when I started my band.  I'd never been in a gigging band before (I'd never been in a band period), and I had no idea what I was doing, but man was I excited.  I remember confessing to someone recently that if we were scheduled to play on a Friday, I could pretty much write off that day at work.  I literally could not focus on anything else the entire afternoon.  I was like ADD on crack.  I couldn't wait to get to wherever we were playing that night, set up the sound system, and get to making music.  It was such a rush.

Back when I was healthier I felt that same excitement every time I woke up at 5:00 am, without an alarm, to go play basketball at a local gym.  I did that Monday through Friday for 10 years or so.  On Saturdays I could sleep in some ... we didn't start until 9:00.  Basketball was like a drug to me.  I say that with all seriousness too ... it was more powerful than any SSRI, pain medication, muscle relaxer, anti-anxiety pill ... it had this way of making every day better.  A basketball game has the best of everything ... physical exercise, ego, trash talking, "bustin' j's" in someone's eye ... what more could you ask for?  Maybe some of you could think of something ... I guess (sarcasm dripping ...).

Meeting Jesus for the first time carried that same sense of excitement.  At last I met the Savior ... I had hope again ... I felt like waking up the next day wouldn't be so bad.  I remember devouring the Bible every chance I could.  Amazingly I attended a Bible study every Saturday night.  For those of you reading this who may have known what I was like B.C., you're laughing too!  I was at church all the time ... volunteering and attending.  I remember hanging out Sunday nights after church with a bunch of believers at a local restaurant.  I could not get enough of what God had for me.  I couldn't sit still in His presence.

So what happened?  Based on what I just described, how could I lose that feeling? How could I let life interfere with itself?  I can't just blame it on the devil.  That would be the easy way out.  After all, doesn't he make everyone 'do it'?  I can't blame it on my wife.  She's not responsible for me, or what I do, or how happy I am.  I can't blame it on my job, regardless of how horrible it was at times.  I can't blame it on my family, or my friends.  I certainly can't tell God it's his fault that I 'lost that loving feeling'.  Proverbs 23:7 tells us that "as a man thinketh in his heart, so is he" (KJV).  Where I'm at emotionally ... how I feel ... the excitement I approach each day with ... that falls on me, and me alone.  I know over the years I placed ridiculous expectations on other people; I'm sorry I did that.  I placed even more ridiculous expectations on myself; I'm even more sorry I did that.  I've learned that bad days are just that ... a bad day.  They can always be followed by a good day though ... right?

I read the following statement in a book this past weekend: "Action precedes motivation".  I approached too many days in my life anticipating the worst, without any excitement, and I received exactly what I had hoped for.  To me, anticipating the best, or reveling in the hope that preceded a new journey seemed too hard.  I never felt motivated to live like that.  Worse, I forgot how to live like that.  I learned why two days ago while reading my book.

I learned 20 years ago that "faith without works is dead" (James 2:20, NIV).  I guess I had forgotten that too.