"He will remind you of all the things I have told you. I'm leaving you well and whole. That's my parting gift to you. Peace. I don't leave you the way you're used to being left - feeling abandoned, bereft. So don't be upset. Don't be distraught."
John 14:26-27, The Message (emphasis mine)

I heard a friend say recently, speaking about me, "once a deep thinker, always a deep thinker."  That may be true.  I think often, and a lot.  That's the reason this blog exists.  It's one of the primary reasons I write ... to get the thoughts out, and to hopefully move on.

The "He" that Jesus was referring to in this passage is the Holy Spirit, the third member of the Trinity.  Jesus' ministry lasted about three years before he was crucified.  His disciples only knew him for a short time before He left them.  I've been walking with Jesus for 21 years and as much as I hate to admit it, I don't feel well or whole.  I certainly don't feel peaceful.  How does someone get to that point in life?  Not where things are perfect, or pollyanna, but in spite of the imperfect world around them, they can be at peace.

As I'm typing this my chest is tightening up.  For those who don't experience anxiety on a regular basis, be thankful.  In my simple way of thinking, an anxiety attack is the exact opposite of peace.  The worst thing about anxiety is that it doesn't need a catalyst ... it can just come upon you.  I think part of my problem is that I am a deep thinker, and that my mind never shuts down.  That would be a good thing if it were busy solving scientific mysteries, or developing the next great invention, but that's not the case.  The country music group Rascal Flatts sings a song called "I'm Moving On".  In some ways it's a perfect description of my life, and the battles I fight daily.  In other ways it's a perfect description of the place I'm trying to find ... a more peaceful place.

I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I have been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on

I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they're always the same
They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong
I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone

I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I've loved like I should but lived like I shouldn't
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on

My dad left my family when I was seven years old.  I was old enough to know he wasn't coming back, but too young to really understand it.  I remember my older brother and I would look through the phone book hoping to find a number that belonged to him.  That was my first experience with feeling abandoned.  When my brother David was killed in a car accident, I experienced what true deprivation felt like.  Our family was robbed ... deprived of ever being able to spend time with him again.  Fast forward thirty years to the point where my life was again radically changed.  The discs in my lower back had been degenerating for years.  At a relatively young age my body was slowing down.  I lived with moderate to severe pain twenty four hours a day.  The pain and condition of my back forced me to quit doing things I loved to do.  Things I found great joy in doing.  Aside from losing my brother, I had never felt so deprived, so bereft.  It's not like I asked for much ... they were simple things, what I had to give up ... but they were part of me, part of who I was.  The physical pain, and the anger I felt eventually led to the worst abandonment a person can experience ... abandoning oneself.  I quit caring about things like I used to.  I quit enjoying life the way I used to.  I was angry and bitter and it showed in every area of my life.  Peace was absent, and I've been searching for it ever since.

Like the first verse of the song above, life can be summed up as a series of struggles and victories.

I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons (struggle)
Finally content with a past I regret (victory)
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness (struggle)
For once I'm at peace with myself (victory)
I have been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long (struggle)
I'm movin' on (victory)

Jesus promised us peace when He promised to send us the Holy Spirit.  He promised us "peace that passes all understanding."  So where is it?  Maybe I haven't dealt with all of my ghosts yet.  Maybe there are still demons to face.  There must be because I not content at all with my past.  I understand finding strength in moments of weakness, but maybe I don't understand it enough.  Maybe I have more moments to go through before I can be at peace with myself.  I've never been one to blame others for what happens to me but I'm quick to blame myself.  I've burdened myself with more blame than I care to think about.  As for my past ... being trapped in it only just begins to describe it.  Forgiveness has not found me anywhere down this road.  Forgiveness for others, yes ... but for me, for abandoning myself ... 

God, it would be so nice to move on from all of this but I don't know how.  Not with this mind that you gave me.  It thinks too much, and remembers too much, and recalls too many details.  And it has an automatic rewind button built in, so that when I get close to peacefully moving on, it replays it all again for me.  Jesus, I know who you are, and who I am in You, but for some reason there seems to be a disconnect between knowing it, and actually living it.  If there is more for me to learn, okay.  If what I go through in some way helps other people, fine.  But if I'm stuck here because of something I'm missing, please show it to me.  Help me to trade 'upset' and 'distraught' for 'well and whole'.  Thank you Jesus.  Amen.