God's Timing: Part I

"So be content with who you are, and don't put on airs. God's strong hand is on you; he'll promote you at the right time."
1 Peter 5:6, The Message

Some of you have heard about the stutter I had as a kid ... and as a teenager ... and as an adult.  From the time I started talking until the age of 24, I stuttered.  There is no scientific or medical cure for stuttering.  I don't use the word cure to indicate that stuttering is a disease.  I would call it a condition though.  People who stutter do so for one of two reasons.  The first is due to a physical problem with the larynx and voice box.  The second has to do with the six inches between ones ears.  Mine was the latter.  The sad thing is the more you stutter, the more you think you're going to the next time you open your mouth.  Think about that for a minute.  If you knew that you'd stumble over your words (or sometime fall face first down the stairs ... or so it felt) every time you opened your mouth to say something, how motivated would you feel to talk, or start up a conversation?  I've tried to explain to people over the years the feeling of not being able to talk well.  I don't know if I've ever really come up with a proper explanation.  Maybe if I gave a few examples, people would better understand.

Let's start with not being able to say my own name.  How many times in our lifetime do we have to introduce ourselves, or say our name in school?  Joe.  Three letters, one syllable, but one of the hardest words for me to say for 20 years.  It would typically come out something like "J ... J ... J ... J ... followed by several seconds of silence as my chest tightened and throat locked up ... which was followed by tapping my foot, or patting my knee to create a rhythm of some kind to make it easier to say it ... then back to J ... J ... Joe".  If I was lucky, all of that would take place within a 4-5 second time frame.  Many times it was longer.  Take a minute, if there's no one around you, and spend 8 seconds stuttering to say your name.  Go ahead, do it.  It'll do you good.  Now picture doing that in front of a fourth grade class ... or a seventh grade class ... or a 12th grade class ... or a 400 level college class.

Remember getting called on in class to answer a question?  Or maybe being called up to the board in 10th grade geometry class to solve a problem?  Remember Eddie Murphy's skit about this ... "That's okay, I'll take a zero."  I took a lot of zero's over the years.  You see, any letter than has a hard sound, like B, or D, or G, or J, or K, or P ... you get the point.  Then a few select other letters like F, or H, or L, or M, or N, or W ... any word that started with one of those letters, I couldn't say it on the first try.  Or the second.  Or the fourth.  What does that do to your public speaking skills?  There were so many times I knew the answer ... so many times I wanted to speak out but didn't.  I dealt with this at every level; elementary school through college.

How many phone calls did you make before you were 24 years old?  Probably more than you could count.  I remember probably hundreds, if not thousands, of phone calls I made over the years where one of two things happened:  either I couldn't say my name to introduce myself, if the call warranted it, or I couldn't say the name of the person I was asking for.  Regardless of which one took place, I wasn't able to complete many, many phone calls.  Many times the person on the other end of the phone was asking "Who is this?", or "Who are you?".  Often times they'd hang up ... or I would.

What about asking directions at a gas station?  Or asking for assistance at a store?  Or asking a girl on a date?  I don't care what the situation was, it scared me to death.  Now imagine this ... imagine every time that happened, you got laughed at.  I don't know what was worse though, someone laughing in my face, or someone looking at me like I was the dumbest person on the planet.  How many times a day, times how many times a week, times how many times a month ... as they'd say in the 70's, are you picking up what I'm laying down?  It was tough.  It was miserable.  I didn't like who I was.

God calls us to be content with who we are.  How content do you think I was in third grade when I couldn't say my name on the first day of school, which led to a fellow classmate to look and and say "You don't know your name?  What are you, stupid?".  I'll tell you ... not very.  Don't put on airs.  Really God?  Are you serious?  My self esteem was so low ... a positive self image was non-existent.  The last things I'd ever think about was putting on airs.  In my eyes I was a nobody.

It was spring, 1993.  I woke up early to get ready to go to class, just like any other day of the week.  This day was different though.  I'd been reading a self help book with dealing with stuttering.  It was basically a book outlining some "tricks" to make it appear like you know how to talk.  I had already developed a greater speaking dictionary than most people.  I had to come up with different ways to say the same thing.  Another trick was to pretend like I didn't know the answer.  That one bugged me a lot.  You see, when you pretend to be dumb long enough ...  Then there was one of my favorites, acting like I lost my train of thought.  That was a good one ... worked every time.  Like I said though, this day was different.  As I was getting ready to go to class, I looked in the mirror and told myself this:  Yesterday was the last day that you're ever going to stutter.  Believe or not, that worked.  I've always given God the credit for healing the incurable condition that I had.  He truly performed a miracle ... He did it His way, and at the right time.

So ... happy ending right?  Regarding the stuttering, yes it was.  I very rarely will get tripped up on a certain word, but the episodes are few and far between.  Plus, I got so good at pretending, no one ever notices anymore.  For the most part, like 99.99% of the time, I'm stutter free.  Unfortunately though, after 20 years of pretending, faking, acting dumb, getting laughed and stared at, and every thing else that went along with it, the damage was done.  I was at the point where I didn't think much of myself (flunking out of college didn't help either).

So we come along 1 Peter, chapter 5, and the sixth verse, and God tells us to be "content where we are".  Well guess what God, I'm not.  I know you've asked me to be, but I'm not.  I know that your strong hand is upon me.  I know that I'm supposed to trust you when I feel like it, and when I don't.  I know that you'll be faithful to complete the good work that you started in me.  I know that you work all things together for the good for those who love the Lord and are called according to His purpose.  Is that it?  Is that the connection?  'Are you talking about a general calling, as in we're all called to share the gospel ... is that the kind of calling you're talking about?  Or is the type of calling that happens when you decide to promote us at the right time'?  Maybe that's it ... maybe I've missed it all along.  I didn't go through all of that pain and agony in vain did I?  You will work things together for the good, but you'll do it in Your time, not mine.  I always looked at stuttering as a problem.  If only I could have learned to be content with it.  If only I wouldn't have wasted all those years being bitter and angry about it.  I'm sorry Father ... I didn't know any better.  What I can do though is remain content with where you have me.  I mean, I'll try ... I'll definitely still need your help, but I'll work hard on being content with where I'm at in life right now.  One thing I know I can be content with is knowing that you never waste a hurt.  You love me so much you've stored up my tears in a jar.  I know that you're the one who can restore what the locust devoured.  Finally God, I'm sure I can learn to be content knowing that your hand is upon me ... wow ... just to think of that is amazing ... but I know that it is, and I know that you'll promote me when the time is right.  I don't know where, or to what, or with whom, but I know that you've got things under control ... and your timing is always the perfect timing.  Don't forget though ... I need your help.  I get sidetracked easily ... and I tend to forget things, even important things ... so help me Lord ... help me to be content.  Thank you Father.  Amen.


P.S.  God ... before I go I wanted to thank your for putting a few people in my life, throughout those first 24 years, who didn't care how I talked.  They were still there for me, still my friends ... thank you for them God, and please bless them.  In some way let them know how grateful I was ... how grateful I am.  Amen, and good night.